How to Handle Elderitch In-Laws
by Kalvin Edward Rumwyn
Summary: Carlos is definitely the kind of guy you would want to introduce to your parents, unless one of your parents just happens to be a lesser elderitch lord who wants grandchildren.


For the umpteenth time that night, Cecil fixed Carlos's tie.

"Remind me why we're doing this, "Carlos begged, holding as still as possible to avoid Cecil hissing at him again in multiple voices.

"I want my father's blessing to further our relationship, Carlos, the radio host explained, forked tongue sticking out and letting Carlos know Cecil was focused. "My mother's been dying to meet you as well."

"Has she?" Carlos asked.

"Well, she asked me in her own way. Carlos, you understand."

Carlos honestly didn't understand, but there was no way he would tell that to Cecil. Instead, Carlos pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead, minding his third eye.

Cecil didn't return the kiss and scurried back to the kitchen to finish dinner. After a few moments, Cecil called, "Did you take your allergy pill yet?"

"No, not yet," Carlos called in reply.

"Come take it," Cecil said. "I don't want you sneezing and snuffling all through dinner."

"Yes, dear," Carlos replied. He came into the kitchen and smiled.

Cecil had a glass of water and allergy pills set out on the counter for Carlos. Cecil's current attention was drawn to the stove, where the radio host was slaving away over a meal. Carlos took his pills and washed them down with water before hugging Cecil's waist, startling the radio host.

"Dark lords, Carlos!" Cecil cried. He hurried over, scrubbed the glass Carlos left on the counter, dried it, and put the glass back in the cupboard. "Go sit at the table!"

Carlos, confused, walked into the next room and sat down at the dining room table. The scientist was careful not to disturb the precise arrangement of the table, to avoid upsetting his boyfriend.

A meow and crash from the kitchen drew Carlos' attention. The radio host shrieked, "Koshekh, out, dammit!"

Carlos sighed and felt pity for the venomously-barbed cat winding around the legs of the chair. If Cecil was screaming at the cat, there must have been something grating on his nerves. Carlos just hoped his reward for dealing with all this was worth the effort.

Koshekh mewled and batted at Carlos' leg, as if to draw him from his private thoughts.

* * *

Around eight, Cecil answered the door. Carlos' first impression of his boyfriend's parents was certainly not what he was expecting. They looked, much to Carlos' surprise, _normal_.

Cecil's mother was the spitting image of Cruella De Ville, minus the fur coat. Even her hair was split evenly into a snow-white and deep charcoal-black portion, both tied back to merge in a neat bun. Carlos was stunned and a little intimidated by her rail-thin and darkly beautiful figure, cloaked in a sleek evening dress.

Then Carlos turned to shake hands with Cecil's father and his blood ran cold. Cecil's father stood two heads taller than Carlos and, dressed in a casual suit, intimidated Carlos worse than any doppelgänger or wheat ever could. When he looked down through horn-rimmed glasses to inspect Carlos, the scientist felt the man was disappointed.

"Charles, you're scaring the poor boy," Cecil's mother told the man towering over Carlos.

"Right," Cecil's father replied, though his glare at Carlos did not soften.

While Carlos tried to remember Cecil's warning and keep from showing fear, the radio host beamed at his father. Cecil led his father into the kitchen and the two began speaking in some long-dead language, possibly Sumerian. The pair left Carlos with Cecil's mother.

"Your hair's so long, sweetheart," the woman noted, running her bony fingers through Carlos' hair. "If only you curled it and slipped into a lovely dress for my little Cecil."

"N-no," Carlos replied, alarmed at her petting. "I'm happy with my gender."

As soon as he talked, Cecil's mother seemed to understand. She nodded and murmured, "Oh."

Before Carlos could apologize or say anything else, Koshekh padded over. The cat wound himself around the woman's legs, purring endearingly. As Cecil's mother—Dahlia, Carlos remembered—scooped Koshekh up and squealed in delight, the cat turned his head and gave Carlos a glare that meant the scientist owed him.

"Carlos?" Cecil called form the kitchen. "Can you come here? I want Daddy to get a good look at you."

Carlos stiffened at the word that had become a staple in their bedroom. He obliged though and trudged off, leaving Koshekh with Dahlia.

Carlos joined his boyfriend, who was laughing softly. Cecil's father, however, was still staring stoically. Carlos smiled and put his arm around Cecil's waist. Cecil's father glared at Carlos and growled softly. Carlos dropped the arm around Cecil's waist faster than a body-bag full of concrete.

Cecil pounted, "Daddy, it's okay. Carlos is perfect and he would never hurt me."

"He's a human," Charles grumbled.

"Daddy, he's perfect and I love him," Cecil argued. "Besides, not all humans are like _that_."

Charles dropped his arguments and turned to ask, "What do you do for a living, Carlos?"

"Me? Well, I'm a scientist, sir," Carlos replied, trying to maintain eye contact even though the man terrified him.

"A scientist!" Charles grumbled. "What good is a scientist?"

"Daddy, be nice," Cecil warned. "Carlos is perfect for me to settle down with."

"Sure," Charles grumbled. Despite his words, Carlos knew he had a problem with himself dating Cecil. Hopefully, this wouldn't turn into an overly-dramatic fight between father and son.

"Carlos, why don't you help Mother to the table?" Cecil asked.

Carlos nodded, glad to deal with the lesser of two evils. He saved Koshekh from being pet to death and guided Cruella's twin to the table as Cecil began to serve dinner. Cecil brought familiar dishes to the table as well as some Carlos made a mental not to stay far away from. For a moment, Carlos thought Cecil was a model homemaker.

"Sit," Carlos begged him, pulling out a chair for him. "You slaved away over dinner."

"Carlos, it's fine," Cecil murmured.

"The boy says he's fine," Charles added. Carlos sighed, not wanting to start a scene. He kissed Cecil's cheek before awkwardly sitting down.

Koshekh slunk around Carlos' ankles, purring softly.

* * *

Dinner itself was uneventful. The real surprises came after everyone ate their fill. Cecil's father found ways to keep Carlos sitting with him while Cecil washed the dishes and Dahlia chattered away at her son.

"I was hoping Cecil would have built up a harem like I did," Charles grumbled.

"Well, times have changed," Carlos told him.

"That boy was my favourite," Charles continued. "I've sired hundreds of children but Cecil and his brother, Perseus, were my favourites. Cecil always knew the best ways to keep the altars clean and Perseus always knew how to defend a temple." He paused and stared at the kitchen, murmuring, "Never thought Cecil would settle for something so . . . domestic."

Carlos nodded, somewhat proud of the way Cecil's father described Cecil. Carlos noted, "He sounds like he was quite the priest."

"He was!" Cecil's father roared, leaning forward with speed that startled Carlos. "Now he's a damn homemaker tamed by a _scientist_!"

Before Carlos could feel his feathers ruffled, the man stood up. Charles' image blurred as did Carlos's perception of reality.

"Excuse me," the man growled in a chorus of three voices before slithering off.

Carlos relaxed as a weight of dread was lifted and he took a deep breath.

* * *

Cecil's father came back downstairs livid. He put two things on the table that made Carlos pale and Cecil turn a light violet around the cheeks. Dahlia, sitting at the table, only stared in slight amusement, petting Koshekh for the trillionth time that night. The cat, of course, was just as horrified as Carlos.

"You're fooling around with my son!" Charles roared at Carlos.

"Of course he is, Daddy," Cecil told him. "It was all consensual."

Cecil's father was still furious. He glared at his son, then at Carlos. Glare turned on his son again, Charles growled, "I forbid it."

"Daddy, you can't!" Cecil cried, his own tamed anger turned to despair. "Carlos is perfect!"

"He's a creep, a lecher," Charles grumbled. "If obeying me removes you from men like him, so be it!"

Carlos stared between the two, horrified as Cecil gave a small sob. Carlos stood and pulled Cecil into his arms, glaring at Charles.

"Get away from him!" Cecil's father hissed. "Cecil will come home."

"Do you have any idea how much your approval matters to him?" Carlos asked. "Cecil hasn't slept for weeks!"

"Let go of him!" Charles growled, white teeth glinting dangerously. "The boy will come home."

"Charles."

"What?" the enraged father snapped, turning to Dahlia.

"Let Cecil be with his boyfriend," Dahlia murmured in a voice demanding attention. "Let the boy have some control over his life. The Caladrius has to leave the nest at some point."

Cecil's father paused, seeming to think about that. After a long pause, he sighed and nodded, "You're right, Dahlia."

"They have an amazing cat," Dahlia commented with a sly smile and a scratch under Koshekh's chin.

Cecil's father nodded and, after smoothing his coat and adjusting his glasses, declared, "You two may stay together, but I expect grandchildren, Cecil."

"Yes, Daddy," Cecil replied quickly.

Charles sat down and huffed. Cecil, picking up on some unseen and unheard cue, rushed out of the room and into the kitchen. Cecil's father glared at Carlos and sighed before taking his glasses off.

"Do you really love him?" Charles asked.

"Of course," Carlos replied. "I love him with every molecule of my being."

Dahlia chuckled, finding that very funny. Koshekh stopped purring, seeming to support Carlos.

"Then you'll provide for him and allow for him to sire an heir?" Cecil's father asked.

Carlos nodded quickly and told him, "I'll survive."

"Good," Charles said with a nod, putting on his glasses. He turned to Dahlia and helped her up, Koshekh leaping out of her lap.

Dahlia called shrilly, "Cecil, darling, we're leaving!"

Charles opened the door for her and Dahlia turned to wave at Carlos. As she did, a third eye on her forehead opened. Charles frowned and ushered her out the door, grumbling.

Cecil came back with a glass of wine and asked, "Are they gone?"

Carlos nodded and told him, "They are."

"Good," Cecil replied, sipping the wine. "I thought I was going to have to go home."

"I wouldn't let that happen," Carlos told him.

"I figured you wouldn't," Cecil said, smiling.

"By the way, who was that woman?" Carlos asked. "Isn't your mother gone?"

Cecil nodded, "That's Daddy's sixteenth wife this year. Funny, she looks a lot like Mother."

Carlos looked at his boyfriend before shrugging it off. He sighed and untied the silk around his neck, telling him, "I think Koshekh should sleep in our bed tonight."

"Oh?" Cecil asked after another sip of wine. "Why? You know how allergic you are to him."

"Well, everyone needs a change," Carlos told him, kissing Cecil's cheek.

* * *

Carlos sighed happily as Cecil rested his exhausted head on Carlos' chest. Carlos rubbed his back, smiling at the radio host as he snored lightly. Then the words of Cecil's father came back to him.

He sighed and Koshekh looked up at him, startled. Carlos told the cat, "I just agreed to let my boyfriend sleep with some woman. What did I get myself into?"

In response, Koshekh got up and sat on Carlos, careful to avoid disturbing Cecil. Then the cat placed a paw on Carlos' mouth, as if to tell him not to worry.

Carlos nodded slowly and murmured, "I guess you're right."

Koshekh simply moved back to the warm spot at the foot of the bed and curled up, purring.


End file.
